A drunken rant

My name is Michael. I am Oddgirl's husband. After about five bloody marys I thought that I would entertain Oddgirl by taking dictation of her words onto her blog. The following is my best rendering of what she had to say while laying tipsy on our office floor.

My toe hurts. My back doesn't hurt anymore, though. How come you won't play Yahtzee with me? Why did you take me to the Circle K to buy vodka? I'm hot. I'm thinking that why is it when you get a buzz why do you get all warm inside? Is it a chemical reaction that causes you body temperature to raise? And if so how do they test that. What are the technical signs of drunkenness? Does Miracle Whip add that extra tangy zip? If Oompa Loompas existed, would you really want one? Are you planning to take advantage of me once I pass out? How many people have hairy butt cracks? You need to edge the lawn. Excuse me. Do you really think it's illegal for me to have another bloody mary? How come you can only get a buzz and not through... you know what I mean. Like...Altered means. Excuse me. Why don't we drink very much? I think I don't drink that much because of the caloric intake...and because of my mom. What do you want to do tonight? Can I have some lite ice cream? How come when you get tipsy or drunk all the slobber runs to the side of your mouth, and you have to make a conscientious effort not to drool like a drunken idiot? This is like stream of consciousness writing. Not like screaming, bloated, farting drunk woman. You're not giving me much to work with here. I'm so relaxed. Excuse me. I hope I don't have a headache in the morning. I thought Bob and whatsherface were pretty nice. What did you think? You know for all that drinking I did, I didn't crave a single cigarette. Which is good cause I haven't smoked since like 1998. That's when I quit. I'm getting sleeeeeeepyyyy. I wish I could remember the song to the song I was singing, I mean the words to the song I was singing. But I'm not really dizzy. It just came out of my head. I'm so diiizzzy my head is spinning. You're making me diiizzy. See that's it I don't know the chorus. How sad is that? I was telling my mom and Jaine about you having your nipple pierced when I met you. Are you gonna talk to me. You need to clean the air filter thinger vent, you know what I mean? How come wearing a sports bra gives you a uni-boob. And how come it's just a piece of cloth with no wire? It makes no sense. Whoops. You're not talking to me. Let's talk about Vlad. So talk. I don't know how often he reads our blogs, but he reads them. What do you think about that? I love him. I just want him to be happy. Do you think he's happy? Do you think he's as happy as he can be? I'm pretty happy. I wish I could win the Powerball so I could go on a baseball world tour and go to the Ukraine. You know, this is Cooking Light Magazine, there's supposed to be some recipes. There's not shit in here. Ooh! It's the Halloween issue. From what year. Oh damn. Ask me from what year it's from. 1996. I'd say it's a little dated. But I didn't actually get it in '96. I got it at the used bookstore. That sounds pretty good. I gotta pee and I can't get up. Hold on, I gotta laugh first. Excuse me. Help me get up. Whoa. I am a rock. In reference to your "sturdy" comment. Yeah let's hear some music. I'd like to hear one song from each letter of the alphabet. It's probably better to do it by band, since it's all arranged by band. Artist. I want pumpkin pie. I just want something sweet, that's the problem. Do you know what "putaneska" means? It means prostitute. They'd run in and eat it and then go back to their next "John". I don't know what my deal with enchiladas is. I think it's the Taco Bell commercials. You don't like me being a chef do you? If I was at my fitness level, you wouldn't eat like you do now. All that yummy stuff that's illegal on our diet. After the boooooyys of Summmer have goone. I can't read these magazines. Gonna show you what I'm made of. Don't you want to just yell that to people sometimes. I do. I feel like people underestimate me all the time. I think it's because I have boobies. Either that or I'm too nice. What do you think it is? Why do you suppose that running pants have only half a zipper? Is it just my calf that';s going to get hot or what? I like the Ataris. They're independent. They're part of either Fat Records or Lookout Records. My toe hurts. Will you look at it. Do you think most women can put their feet behind their head? I'm starting to lose my buzz, I think. I like the tattoos on my foot. I don't think people get my right one. Not that it's for them to get, but you know what I mean. NO! I wanna hear Bracket! You're not talking. Ooh that's a trifle dish. See it? See how it's really deep and it's on like a footed pedestal. No Coldplay. Yellow is too overwhelming. It can make a drunk person cry. Hell it makes me cry sober. Hey now, hey now, don't dreeeam it's oveerr. Guess what I learned from my "How did they die" book? Uuuuhhhh. Something about Allen Ginsburg. He's responsible for coining the term, I can't remember what it is right now. Will you go get my book? You know he's my favorite poet. Well I shouldn't say that. I love Charles Simic and Steven Dobbins too. I'm not a real big fan of the beat poets but I really like Allen Ginsburg a lot. Oh, he coined the term "flower power" and he died of a heart attack related to terminal liver cancer. But here's what's fucked up. The page before is about Neil Cassidy whom I really haven't heard of but was basically his and Jack Kerouac muse. He was born on my birthday and he died on my dad's birthday. Not the actual year, just the date. Oh my God I didn't realize that Ritchie Valens, Buddy Holly and the Big Bopper died on my dad's birthday too. And James Dean was born on my birthday. This book was written by Tod Benoit with one "D". And every time I think of "Benoit" I think of the wrester Chris Benoit or those doughnuts in New Orleans. Oh wait those are begnets. The third option is ben wa balls. But I've never even seen those. Why are all the lights out? Gimmee that that that nut. Gimmee that that that nut. The man was and arteest. If I was in a band, what musical instrument do you think I'd play? I think I'd be bass. Can I be backup vocals too? When did you first noticed that you had groomed armpit hair. If you never thought it was weird, when did you realize it was something different? This isn't fun anymore. Let's go to bed.