Dad?

Tomorrow will be my father's 55th birthday. I mailed him a cheesy card on Monday. I usually call him too, but I don't know if I can this year. I mean I want to act like there is nothing wrong, but there is. What will probably happen:

Me: Dad?
Pete: Hi, honey.
Me: Happy Birthday! How was your day today? I mean did you do something fun?
Pete: Yeah, I went to work, and then went shooting. I had a few beers. Mom bought me (fill in the blank).
Me: Well that doesn't sound too bad. I wouldn't want to keep you. I hope the rest of your day is nice dad. I love and miss you.
Pete: I love you too hon. Take Care.
Me: O.k. dad, bye.
Pete: Bye.

What should happen:

Dear Dad,

I no longer wish to be an obligation to you. I had hoped with age you might want to get to know me rather than send me cards all the time. I understand that when you remarried you had another family. I can accept that and I understand. My two step sisters and my half sisters are grown now. They don't need your attention as readily available as they once did.

I'm sorry you felt it was o.k. to ignore me. I know I never asked you for anything and I managed to take care of myself for the most part, but that is no excuse. Just because I didn't call you begging you for money to go on Spring Break in London, or for plastic surgery, or any of the other ridiculous things that my sisters called you for doesn't mean you can ignore me. I feel like I should be rewarded for not needing you all the time. I managed get a job at 13 to start saving for my dream to go to Harvard. I don't know what a summer vacation is because I have never had one. I know you were in an awkward position with your new wife and my mom, but I needed your help sobering her up. I needed someone, anyone to help me. You left me alone with her, but alas you are not the only one, so I can't let you take all the blame. I was 5 dad. Five. I had no childhood. I've raised myself and been responsible for my mother. I've spent most of my life depending on only myself. That's no way to live dad. It took me years to be able to let someone take care of me once in a while. Don't you think that's a little fucked up?

I'm mad at you. You only live 8 hours away from me and you come to visit me so rarely. Where is my step mom and my sisters on these visits? Why does no one come? Don't tell me it's about vacation days either. Everyone managed to get off when you guys went to Cabo, by the way thanks for the invite. I found out you have visited the area in which I live several times without visiting me. Why?

Why did you not send me anything for Christmas? This year was one of my most accomplished years. Michael and I did it. We built our first house. Dad, I have never lived in a house before. You could have at least sent me a house ornament. I know my sisters were home for Christmas. I doubt they woke up to a card. I don't want to be disappointed anymore. You've missed several milestones in my life. Why? Why do you hang on? Is it because you had a hand in making me? I release you dad. You know longer have an obligation to me.

You know what dad. I'm a great fucking person. I'm worth knowing and loving. It hurts me that you don't even acknowledge that. You know I got accepted to Yale. I even got a scholarship. I couldn't afford to go. I studied hard my whole life just like you told me. For what dad? So you could give my college money to my drunk of a mother. I know you know she spent it on a new Honda Prelude. I couldn't qualify for any loans dad, because of your income. Yeah, I know you sent me $1000, is that what I am worth to you?

Why is it that their are no pictures of me hanging in your house? I see plenty of my sisters and even my nieces. Not that I'm big into photo montages, but there isn't a single picture of me any where in your entire house. Why is it that I don't have a house key? I mean all my other sisters have one. Is it because I'm not welcome? You say I am, but your family has wiped me out of photograph existence. Is physical existence that far off? Why do you think this is o.k.?

I'm angry that you have given the world to my sisters, yet choose to neglect me. I'm really pissed that you give your time and energy to everyone but me. Did I do something wrong? You know what, I know I didn't. I'm fucking livid that you continue to carry on this charade dad. I could go on and on about what a shitty fucking childhood I had. I could tell you stories that you would never want to here, but I won't. Every year you forget more and more of me dad...So go on...

You're hurting me. I can't understand why you're doing this. I mean if you were just a bastard of a man it would make more sense to me. I could at least accept that you're an asshole. The thing is you're not. I know you're a great fucking guy, co-worker, boss, husband, friend, and everything else. Hell, maybe that's why I have such a hard time with this. I love you dad, but you're really hurting me more than I care to admit. So either release me or grab the fuck on. I can't dangle here anymore. I don't care what your wife, other daughters, my mother, my neighbors, or anyone else thinks. This is between you and me now. Telling me you love me isn't enough anymore. Walk the walk or walk out of my life. I'm ready either way.

Nina