Birthday Blunder...damn I hate me...

Nina,

Do you ever think that you are some thing special? Well you're not. You are a bunch of atoms and molecules formed into a mass. You are fortunate enough to be a human. You are flesh and bone and nothing more. You happened to be in a place where you bumped into another fleshy being. You two got along well enough upon meeting. Eventually you enjoyed each other's company and decided to spend the rest of your days together. Now you will do pointless labor to gain fictional money. You will use this money to blend in like every other human. Then you will die. That is the end.

This is a letter that I think Michael might write to me. Sometimes he can be so analytical and logic based. Sometimes he can be a Romantic (which in some aspects is what I am). For the most part, he is charcoal and I am rays of sunshine. It can be so frustrating at times.

Back to the romantic side...

This weekend we had our crazy Mormon friends over. I hadn't seen them since Christmas, so I had a few little things for my friend. I went to grab the make up ensemble I bought her and a Kay's jewelry bag fell and hit me on my head. My first reaction: "DAMN IT!" My birthday present literally hit me in the head. I hate spoiled surprises. I thought Michael had moved my present. He did, just not the bag. So what do I do? I start crying uncontrollably. I'm sad and pissed that I will no longer have a birthday present.

Normally this would sound like some selfish bitch is writing this, but you have to understand I have horrible birthdays. When I first met Michael, I didn't even celebrate it. He changed that. He usually makes my birthday the biggest holiday of the whole fucking year. Usually though because it's my birthday , something goes terribly awry. This year it was getting my present before my birthday.

So Michael is pissed and hurt, but he smiles. He goes and retrieves the actual present and tells me to open it. I wale on about how it's not my birthday yet, and that I can't open it. Eventually he talks me into opening it. I opened it and was surprised and confused at the same time. Apparently this was not the reaction I was supposed to have. I think I was supposed to be totally blown away.... I felt bad, which made me cry.

He bought me a watch. I need one, but have refrained from buying one. I wanted one that I could wear with my wedding ring. My wedding ring is yellow gold. I have a thing about mixing metals. So I start to thank him and tell him it's a beautiful watch. I begin to tell him that I don't think that I will wear it much, though I will try to because of my wedding ring. He whips out a box and he has a white gold band in it. I am touched, but conflicted.

If I wear my wedding ring all the time I can only wear my new watch occasionally. If I wear my new watch all the time I can only wear my wedding ring occasionally. I'm flummoxed. Anything I say or do it going to hurt him. The white gold band is just not my wedding ring. Apparently we were going to go to Vegas and he had reserved a time to get married at the Little White Wedding Chapel. Therefore making the band a wedding band. The trip was canceled due to complications. Now I really feel like an ass. I guess part of my conflict is because my wedding ring isn't so much a symbol of the sanctity of my marriage. It's more a representation of all the stuff we have enjoyed and triumphed over the years together. I have a lot more emotional attachment to it than I probably should. It's for all of the right reasons though. Damn him...he can be so romantic sometimes. It just really takes me off guard because that's not how he usually is.

So what am I supposed to do now? He never gives me jewelry either. It was very nice, but odd.
I appreciate the thought and love that went behind it. I don't want to hurt him either. I know it would hurt him too if I didn't wear the new watch and ring very much. So what's a Nina to do?

I started crying and decided that I just don't want to celebrate my birthday anymore. I so want it to be wonderful and normal just like everyone else's, but it's not in the cards for me. I am doomed to have a shitty day no matter what Michael or anyone else does...:( I hate that.