???Uncontrollable depressing relationship babble??? I must be hormonal

What happens when the person you turn to when you're scared is the person you're scared of? What happens when things go too long broken? Can they still be fixed? What happens when you can't think of any other way to make another person hear you?

I think most people either suffer through with vices. You have all seen the husband that works too much and the over dedicated mom that has no time for her husband. The partying dad who still hangs out with his high school buddies, the traveling executive, the fitness freak, the shopaholic, ...I suppose I could go on, but I won't. People are too scared to leave the comfortableness of their relationships. They are too afraid to find out who they really are. It's too much hassle. So they stay, for this or that reason, all the while being miserable.


Other people leave in hopes of starting anew. This people haven't ever really opened all the way up and still left when there was still hope. I mean they never opened up all the way or they have lost all hope. What ever, it makes sense to me.

I am with my match. I'm not leaving. I am tragically depressed, scared, and going into unknown territory. For the first time, Michael truly can't hear or understand me. I can't understand him either. For us, that is scary. For as long as I can remember he has been my truest friend and for the first time, I can't find him. I feel so lonely.

I don't know how to fix what's gone awry. I don't know why he can't like me any more. I mean life gives you shitty things to do some time. It used to be that we would find some way to enjoy what ever misery we were going through together. Knowing that we were together used to be enough.

In my heart of hearts I know he is my true and only...but why are we having so many difficulties lately? Don't get me wrong we aren't fighting over money or unfaithfulness, nothing very serious to most people. We are both hurt and sad because neither one of us really enjoys the other one lately. Both of us feel we are breaking our backs to make the other one happy. We just can't seem to get there. I know we will eventually, but I feel like I am climbing shit mountain right now.

Things I'm guilty of:
Too much reminding/nagging (it's a really fine line)
Not relaxing enough
Worrying to much
Not believing him when he says he'll take care of something
Thinking that he "forgets" stuff but knows I'll take care of it and letting it get to me
Calling him selfish
Calling him inconsiderate
Talking over him
Being mean to him as a way to stand up for myself (my words aren't defending me, they're attacking him)
Sacrificing to unbelievable lengths and expecting the same from him (without discussion)
Being mad/resentful when he doesn't sacrifice
Missing my best friend
Judging him on his past behavior
Using way too many kleenex
Being emotional
Being over sensitive
Being inconsolable


This post isn't really intended to worry, annoy, or what the fuck ever for anyone. It was intended to vent, think, point the finger at myself, compare, and try to brain storm a resolution. I hope I am able to adjust some of my behaviors, however I think it will be hard without the adjustment of his behaviors. I won't list those, because I'm not a vindictive bitch, just a plain ol' bitch. Ain't love grand?