Admissions....

Up until now I have just written about things that occur to me . There is one negative thing in my life that is constant. I don't like to talk about it much because it feels like defeat to pay it any attention. I have a severe back problem. The scary thing about this is I have never been ill. I don't know how to cope with it, explain it to others, or know my limits. I have been working very hard to get myself as close to normal as I can, but it seems like every time I get close something happens and it's back to square one. Having a back injury effects a lot of things: activities, work, sex, emotions, ability to function at the level you are use to, and so on.

Today is day three of severe back pain. I haven't walked my 3.27 mile walk in three days. I haven't been able to have sex in three days. I haven't been able to hook my bra without massive effort in three days. You get the idea. Anyway I really wish I would of broken my legs, arms, anything else. Those things have a set course of healing. This however is very different. I am at the last step. I have been recommended to have a spinal fusion. My doctor is against it, since I am so young. I read about a new disc replacement procedure that is in the process of being approved. I'm trying to hold out. The problem is I don't know how long I can wait.

I am sick of dealing with all of this. I am sick of all the red tape. I just want my back fixed and that's it. I don't think that is asking too much.

I still avoid talking about it. I try not to say when I am in pain. I just try to go on with my day. The pain is going to be there whether or not I complain about it. So if anyone has any suggestions, I'm all ears.