Self pity doesn't look good on me...neither does all this stress...

I would first like to say this post is not a normal angry nina, happy nina, or normal nina post. Read at your own risk. It is filled with self-pity, hurt, confusion, and nothing jolly. To precursor this post I begin with the positive. O.k, something really cool happened to me today, but I can't tell you yet because it will ruin the surprise. So remind me later, o.k.? Other than that my day sucked again. I can't take many more sucky days, or I'm going to lose it.

I can't seem to get along with Michael right now. Here's the weird part, he's not even here. I do miss him and love him utterly. I just am so pissed at him. As we know, I'm the obsessive compulsive one. Michael is the laid back procrastinator. Lately every time I turn around I find something he's left partially completed or unattended period. We continue to have a discussion about me relaxing more and him taking more initiative. The point is one can't happen without the other. I feel like I'm in a tug of war. Normally, when it's just a few things he's forgotten, I just do them and I'm happy to. Lately I have started taking his lack of interest, initiative, or whatever you want to call it to heart. I feel that he doesn't think that his time is worthy of the issue at hand, but mine is expendable. I guess I'm not mad; I'm hurt.

Little things are adding up. He will spend money and leave the receipt in his wallet for days. I have to remind him to write in his receipts. Instead of writing them in he leaves it on the counter for me to write in. I assume it's because he didn't have time, but what if I don't have time? I mean it's my responsibility to handle the finances, if I don't have all the information, I can't handle them correctly. The last time we had this talk it started about the yard. I don't think he's worked on it since the summer. I like to mow, but I don't like to rake rock, pick up trash, adjust the watering schedule, prune, sweep, and pick up dog shit. Is it wrong that I want these things done? I don't think it is. I wouldn't mind doing them together even. When I approach him he says that it just doesn't occur to him to do those things. Maybe it occurs to me because it's the first house I have ever lived in. I'm proud of it. Hmm...no, that can't be because not all of it is house related.

The latest thing is he left me with an assload of responsibilities. I have to do all the Christmas cards, tree stuff, gift buying, truffle making, entertaining of his co-worker(which he spoke to and didn't even give me a heads up), explaining(this co-worker gave us a Christmas card and Michael never even told me, he left mad at my mom...), register both of our vehicles, run a paper route, figure out this doctor thing...I could go on, but I won't.

These things seem so small and easy to take care of, but they aren't when you're doing it all alone. I'm getting worn down. I can't shit without being bothered. I think with a little help we can both reach our desired goals.

I don't want to be his mother. I don't want to nag. I don't want to be the one who constantly has to remember everything. I don't want to be pushed to the last minute to take care of things. I don't want the ultimate responsibility to lie with me all the time. I can't handle it any more. I want some help.

Every time I approach him about any of this he apologizes. I'm to the point now where it's just words bouncing off me. I want action. I want to know he values the time and effort I put into things. I want not to feel hurt all the time. I want to be able to start on the same level as him in the morning. What I mean by that is; he wakes up and there is a new day lying in front of him. I wake up and I'm still picking up the mess from yesterday.

I feel like I'm a record that's skipping in the same spot. I don't want to deal with this anymore. I just can't let it go and wait for him to pick up the ball. I mean the bathtubs weren't clean for I don't know how long(I'm physically unable to clean those) and still aren't totally. I have to check the air filters. I don't think he even knew what they were. I mean all this little shit adds up. He leaves raw chicken outside by the bbq for days on end. He...never mind what's the use.

The point of this wasn't to pick on him or hurt him. The point of this is that I'm hurting and he's not helping. I 'm giving and he's not is giving back. He's the one person I can always count on. When things go wrong with him I try to talk about it and work it out. But this whole thing is getting exhausting now... I'm so tired of picking up the pieces.

We just have to work through this, this time. I am not willing to go through this every three months. This is at least the fourth time we have discussed it this year. What the hell am I doing wrong? Why doesn't normal stuff occur to him? Why does he do things like yell out what we need for the grocery list to me, instead of writing it down? I know I'm stressed about this whole LTD thing, but I usually enjoy the holiday stuff. I'm not enjoying anything right now.

I try looking for the bright spots in the day, but they are so few and far between now. This is not like my personality at all. No, I'm not depressed. I don't need any medication. I'm just really sensitive and really hurt.

I typically live by the motto, "Never let them know that they broke you". I'm not outwardly unemotional, but I'm a lot more sensitive then I let on. I had to develop a thick skin and strong will dealing with my mom(that's a whole other story though). I'm the one who is always happy, positive, optimistic, and believes people are generally good. When I'm not happy and talkative it freaks people out. They depend on me to be that way. I'm sorry to disappoint but I'm human, even I have lows. This is one of them. I'm confused, I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I don't know why I feel so shit upon. I don't want to entertain his co-worker, drive our neighbor to pickup her granddaughter, help my mom with her paper route, go to a party on Saturday, ask my neighbor to help me finish the truffles, or any other chore. I want to wrap the things I bought for my real friends(the ones I thoroughly enjoy shopping for), get more than four to six hours of sleep, make cookies, play gamecube, blog, and watch Charlie Brown. More than anything though, I want to stop feeling like this, it's unnatural for me.

Michael has been gone for almost five days now. He has nothing to say to me. He calls me when he's so tired he can barely stay awake. He sounds like Ben Stein. Before he was so excited about this trip and if it's so damn exciting how come he has nothing to tell me about. I mean this has to be one of the first times in almost ten years he has nothing to say to me. He calls me to call me. I don't want that. I don't want to be called to carry the conversation either. Sometimes, I guess there is just nothing to say. I don't know? I mean, it can't be fireworks everyday. I guess it's time to take the dress of self-pity off and put my thinking cap on. How are we going to fix this? If we've talked about it previously and come to the same conclusion every time(If Michael takes more initiative I will be able to relax once and a while. I need to chill out and he needs to participate.)how is this time going to be different? Is there something I'm missing? Is there something I'm not doing? Is there a different way to communicate how upset this is making me that he might understand better? Am I being over critical? Are his expectations of what kind of wife I am set to the fifties model? Where is the communication breaking down? This is driving me nutty. I am about to episodes away from a breakdown here. I need to figure this out. I need to fix it.

I keep telling Michael (other people too), I can't handle all of this shit all the time. No one is hearing me. I don't want to be a total bitch to people, but there has to be a happy medium. How do I get there?

O.k., I'm out of kleenex and redundant material...shit, it's too late to go to bed I'll never wake up in time if I go to bed now. Thanks for listening. I'll try to post something happy here in a minute when I collect my thoughts.