No more crack before bed.....

This is why I never post any of my dreams...

Last night I dreamt that I was in an airport with an old friend. We were trying to catch a last minute flight for an emergency. I don't remember what the hell the fucking emergency was, but we were running all over the airport trying to get a flight.

Apparently we lived in a rather small town. There were these two retarded kids that rode scooters like Verne Troyer. They hung around the airport huffing whip-its and paint. After they were high they would ride backwards through the entry door aggravating all the incoming airport traffic. Well, it was an emergency.....so I shoved one over. I kind of meant too, and I kind of didn't. I strategically whacked him one with my garment bag. The one kid was lying on the airport carpet where their was a big orange stain. The other kid was laughing his ass off at him.

Next, I ran up to the ticket counter, where Wendy the Snapple Lady went Cujo on my ass. She was not interested in any kind of customer service. She did however use her catch phrase. "Pissing people off, now that is the best stuff on earth!". So I ran over to another counter where a flaming pile of shit kindly found me connecting flights and checked my bags gingerly. I was impressed. The flight left in twenty minutes. I had to pee so bad though.

I walked into the restroom. Their was Crystal Gayle combing her hair. She was sobbing. She had a horrible case of dandruff. I tried to comfort her, but she was inconsolable. She was just four short hours away from a guest appearance on Hee-Haw. She explained how it was imperative that she look and sound her best. Her career needed a boost. I quickly remembered that I had several samples of a new dandruff wipe that I had received from my coupon club. I whipped them out of my purse and put out the fire. Finally, I peed. I seemed to pee forever. I couldn't help but look at the feet on either side of me. To the left, a club foot and a white leather sandal. To the right, blue Roos and lots of unwinding toilet paper. I mean there was so much unwinding I had to start wondering. Either that lady took the biggest shit ever or she stealing some paper for the road. Well curiosity got the best of me. I flushed and then stood on the toilet seat. I peered over. This woman was wrapping apples in toilet paper and stuffing them anywhere they would fit. I went out of the stall, washed my hands, wished Crystal luck, and went to the gate.

At the gate my cell phone rang. "Hey, Nina. It's John. We're taking off now, so I can't talk. I'll meet you in Toronto." The phone went dead. I did know that Toronto was the connecting flight, not my final destination. I waited in line as they checked my boarding pass. The lady in front of me was wearing a fur wrap, but had grape jelly all over her fingers. I kept trying to slip her a wet nap, but she wasn't going for it. She said there were some kind of miracle moisturizing molecules in grape jelly. I just ignored her and hoped she wouldn't be sitting next to me.

The flight was smooth. I don't remember much about that. When I landed I met John...and I suddenly remembered what my emergency was. I had been commissioned to write a sit com with John. And John was John Larroquette. We chatted about some ideas for the show before the next flight. Next thing we knew it was boarding. We got on the flight and I ordered a bloody mary. Then I feel asleep on the plane.

Now someone please tell me what the fuck is wrong with me?